Sometimes we Just Wanna Hurt

In the process of mindlessly wandering the Internet, I stumbled back across a few websites and posts regarding Grad school that I first encountered last summer. As I was then, I am struck by how bleak students and survivors of graduate school are and the way they are able to so effectively convey a profound sense of dread. The blog 100 Reasons Not to Go to Grad School, for example, provides detailed and lengthy reasons why grad school is a counter-intuitive and ultimately futile endeavor. Now, though I have only been in graduate school a year now, I do think that I have gained some insight that makes me read these posts differently than intended.

First of all, I have found that grad school is often a daily game of waiting for destruction. Friends and colleagues often recount their breakdowns and defeats with their victories being flashes in the cold, unrelenting torture of the academic cosmos. A grant gained is but a respite. The passage of one's generals is cause for a momentary celebration quickly followed by the hang over of reality. But perhaps the one thing I have seen every graduate school program engage in is the degree in which misery is monopolized. I have friends who have done well in graduate school, only to be told by their older peers that they have not yet weathered the true storm. But what did anyone expect when they joined graduate school? That it is a unique place where despair is born and bred? We graduate students suffer from a glut of self-indulgence that often makes us forget a key survival mechanism; humble yourself daily. Graduate school is a strange dance of vanity and deprecation (self-inflicted or otherwise) and our impatience and sense of self-worth often get us into trouble. I think the biggest lesson I learned this past year is, in the words of a colleague of mine, "professors don't care about us as much as we think they do." Its absolutely true. My moments of anxiety were brought on by the fear that I was trapped in a panoptic nightmare where professors scrutinize and examine every misstep I take as well as cheer and admire my accomplishments. That is utter nonsense. Nothing I do is really worth very much, and if I didn't learn that lesson I may have fared far worse during my first year.

For anyone considering a PhD, of course the advice holds that you shouldn't do it if you think it will land you a better paying job or any such nonsense. That's not what this is about, and I don't think anyone should go into with such expectations. I went to graduate school because the prospect of just finding a job rather than engaging in debate, defeat, victory, research, and teaching seemed really terrible to me. I see my own decision as betting a horse with 50 to 1 odds. The pay out is not likely, but it sure is high. It's not the financial position that is the pay out though, its the romantic idea of the life of the mind. Of course, the "life of the mind" is the idea forever corrupted by the reality of politics, power, and vanity. But I'd much rather deal with that than the alternative. And in the likely event that I don't get the payout, I will have at least made the effort and will live with the consequences happily. All these websites seem to point in the direction of breaking the illusion that graduate school will win you prestige and great wealth. Fine. But the idea that PhD work is just a terrible decision misses the point pretty seriously. If you don't see the real rewards, then PhD work is not for you, and I can totally accept that.

I also willingly accept that I do not yet know pain. Like everyone tells me, I have yet to "take real generals" and do not yet know the meaning of suffering. Good. Sometimes I just want to hurt a little bit. At least on the other side I will be able to make my peace with what transpired, and on this side I can throw myself completely into the endeavor. I think one thing that may get under my skin from time to time is the notion that any kind of eagerness or joy in graduate school is misplaced. If I couldn't enjoy what I am doing, despite it being a painful experience, then I wouldn't be here. Again, I say this fully aware that the worst is yet to come. There will be god-awful days where I drag myself home, defeated, and just want to quit. But to have the opportunity to suffer those days in pursuit of something I really do believe in is a joy in and of itself.

Ultimately, these "reasons not to go to grad school" are both right and wrong. They are right in that they do dispel the romanticism of the academic job market and may help people avoid a very costly mistake. But they are wrong in that they don't also look at the other rewards people are after when they take the trip back to the hell of the academic trenches.

My teenage idol, Blake Schwarzenbach, perhaps put it best when he said “I feel like I’m dragging a refrigerator down a dirt road in hell right now, but I will take beauty and wonder just the same, I guess i’m hoping the low road will deliver some elevated sadness. Be well.”